Being the Grown-Up

WARNING: breastfeeding stories to follow...

So today I went to the store and bought my first half-gallon of whole milk (I even sprang for the organic stuff) and we gave Carolyn her first cup of moo.
She greeted it with curiosity and drank eagerly at first...
But after the first sip she made an awful face and out came all the white stuff, drooling down her chin. We tried several more times and the result was the same. I think whole milk is going to take some getting used to.

But we were determined- I could have nursed her but I didn't- I offered her some water in case she was thirsty and figured she'd make up the difference at the bedtime feeding. We really are hoping to take Carolyn down to just 3 feedings a day starting this week (to further liberate me from my relationship with my Pump; after a year of being stuck to it-literally-I'm ready to give it up!)- morning, naptime, and bedtime. I have loved nursing almost from the first and truly cherish the deep connection it has brought me with my sweet baby girl- and anymore, it's pretty much the only time during the day when I can hold her close to me. So I'm really not ready to stop yet. In fact, if I'm honest with myself, I'm really dreading and fearing the day when she decides she's done because it will feel as though she doesn't need me anymore- and really, the being needed aspect of motherhood is one of my very favorites. Until I became Carolyn's mommy, I never really felt like I had anything to give to anybody that was truly unique and something no one else could provide (I felt an a bit of that feeling in my relationship with my husband, but nothing like the sweet, deep joy that comes from being the sole sustenance for a whole little life).

So, all that said, back to the title of my post... tonight, poor Carolyn was so very thirsty and hungry from missing her 530pm feeding that she was just desperate for something to satisfy her; also, she's teething, so she has this insatiable desire to put her fingers in her mouth- all this together seemed to contribute to the severe biting/screaming episode we had at the beginning of the feeding... which tenses me up, frustrates me, makes me a little angry and needless to say does nothing for my letdown since I find myself unable to relax enough to let it happen- and she just really lost it and started thrashing and screaming and having an all-out fit! Now picture me, I've just dropped a feeding for the first time and I'm just as ready to feed her as she is to eat, I'm already feeling sad about the impending changes in our mommy-baby relationship, and feeling physical and emotional pain... and I just lost it, too, and we sat there crying together until Brad rescued us both.

We ended up laying her down hungry for a few minutes and Brad helped coach me back to reality and helped me see things from Carolyn's perspective. We as her parents really are her whole world, her whole security, and when she sees me just lose it emotionally, how that must shake her(I'm so sorry Carolyn)! I thought about how I would feel if something happened serious enough to make my mom crumble and how that would rock my foundation and realized one of the tough things about becoming a parent is that you have to stop being a child. So after we prayed together (well Brad prayed, I cried...), I pulled myself together and went back to her room with my only thought to bring comfort to Carolyn and to show her that her world was still okay. The poor child just reached her arms out for me, I gathered her up and she laid her head on my shoulder like she hardly ever does anymore as if to say "finally, I've found my safe haven again!" Eventually, she did decide to eat, which made me feel ever so much better- but I have learned an important lesson that perhaps should have been obvious. I have to be the grown-up in this relationship!