I know that Carolyn has many faithful blog readers out there who never post a comment. This, of course, is fine, since the whole point of her blog is so that our dear friends and family can watch her grow along with us (and even being a blogger myself and knowing the delight that comments bring on one's blog, I hardly ever comment on others' blogs... especially when I found the blog from surfing or from someone' else's link and don't actually know the people it's about but I still check it because it's so much fun to have a window into someone else's life). That said, O faithful mothers who have burned the midnight oil (and those who have not yet had this joy but empathize with those who do)... please help me out!! At the bottom right hand corner of this post there is a link labeled "comments." Click on the link and give me some of your tried-and-true advice (you can even be "anonymous").
While Carolyn is a truly advanced, amazing, and altogether wonderful child in nearly every respect, it must be said that I have never been tempted to describe her nighttime behavior in this way. We were told when she was tiny that if we could just make it to 6 weeks she would stabilize and be better... then it was three months... and now, here we are at 5 months, and I still have not had more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep in a week. There are occasional "good nights"- I call it a good night when I only have to feed her once (between about 2 and 4; she goes to bed around 8 or 830) and she only wakes up crying for the pacifier once or twice. Sometimes she'll even do a string of reasonable nights and I feel like a human being again at the end of it- and inevitably I start to believe that she's finally beginning to get it. But then she crashes again and starts waking up every hour or two just screaming. We get less sleep than we did when she was a newborn and typically by the end of the night, I've dissolved into a weepy mess because it seems like this behavior will never, ever end and I will never, ever get any sleep. Maybe it's a little selfish to be so concerned about my own rest, but I simply cannot function without at least one extended period of sleep at least a couple times a week- not to mention Carolyn, who's chronically overtired when she does this. I can't be a good mom, a good wife, a good anything, without some rest!!!
This particular week has seemed to be the worst one we've had since she was about 5 weeks old (the previous low point). Last night she woke up at least every 45 minutes to an hour from about 1130pm until about 430am- just screaming. Nothing seemed to help. I don't know what's wrong with her. We gave her Tylenol in case she was having teething pain. We gave her gas drops in case it was gas. I fed her twice. In every case, she was awake again in no time. The only thing that seemed to make her quiet down was if I held her- and as soon as I put her down again, she'd start screaming again. Finally she really fell asleep at about 430 and is still sleeping now- and I know from past experience that she will now want to sleep all morning and take a long nap this afternoon.
So what do you think, O faithful readers of this blog? Is this a phase or a growth spurt or something or is it the beginning of a new pattern? Should I wait it out and try to be sympathetic to whatever is causing my little girl discomfort and continue to comfort her however I can, or should I leave her alone when she cries like this and just hope that in three or four days she'll stop doing it? I'm willing to go the "cry it out" method, but I don't know how to do it. How long should I let her cry before I come in and do something about it? How long will it last before she'll start to get it and will begin sleeping at night? Should I allow her to make up the sleep during the day or will this only feed or problem? Or could she simply be so overtired at the end of a week of nights like this that she cannot sleep and her ability to self-soothe is lost? I crave the wisdom of your collective experience. The best advice I ever got about this kind of problem is to listen to my own heart to know what is best for my child. Well, I'm so tired now that I don't even know what I think. So help me!!
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12 comments:
Poor EB! I hope you get lots of good advice! I will think on it too! In a way, your desperation is a good thing. Because it means that you are ready to do what it takes. You just need to have a plan in place, because I think now you have the determination to see it through. Love you!
I have two emotions after reading your blog entry: one- extreme empathy because we, too are up with miss Maya at least 3-4 times a night...and two- fright, as they are not yet a month old. I am relying on all of those people who say this only lasts a few months. I, too, am interested to see the comments...I can think of nothing better than a daily dose of "advice or sympathy" from other mothers.
Hi EB,
Just a little background as to who I am first - I found your blog as a link on Carolyn Rohrer's (I'm a friend of hers; I'm thinking I may have even met you once in Phoenix, though I'm not completely sure --it would have been around February of 2004 with a BJU music team; sound familiar to you?). Anyway, I have an 8-month-old who has mostly slept really well. Although I definitely don't have it all figured out, and still struggle now with some sleeping issues that have "popped up" recently (and are made more difficult by the fact that Adelyn can stand up in her crib, so she isn't falling back asleep so easily anymore!), my personal feeling is that the best thing (although not always the easiest!) is to just let her cry. I know its VERY difficult, and sometimes seems "cruel" but I see it as a discipline issue, which is the most loving thing you can do. Disciplining your child into a schedule, during the day and at night, as well as into learning that she is NOT the center of the universe, is the best thing for her! [I don't necessarily mean discipline in the sense of punishment, but of training.] She has probably learned that you will come at her first sound, so she's going to cry all the more simply because she wants mommy and knows you'll come. Of course, there are going to be times when something really is wrong; you just have to use your wisdom and mommy intuition for those times; however, I would suggest letting her cry for about 15 minutes, then checking on her to see if anything really is wrong, fixing her blanket, etc., patting her on the back, and telling her she needs to go back to sleep. Then shut the door, and don't go back in! It will probably last for a while - maybe as long as 45 min. to an hour, and it may take several nights to get her through this! BUt with some patience and consistency, you can teach her to fit into your schedule, instead of your rearranging every detail of your life (including sleep!) to fit into hers. She will learn that you are the parent--the one in charge--this way. [Of course, you may need to decide that she does still need 1 feeding during the night, and do so at the time you feel is best, then gradually work that one out of her so she's going all night.] I would recommend reading "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo. I read it before the baby, and used his method. It definitely wasn't always easy (and still isn't!) but it works, and I appreciate the philosophy of parental authority and direction in the schedule and sleep patterns. Feel free to respond if you have any questions! Hope this helps!
Letting her cry it out will be extremely difficult for you and Brad but I think it has come to this. She certainly weighs enough to get through the night without eating and I think her waking up is a bad habit that she has to break sometime. Cherith gave good advice--check on her once and then let her cry. What worked on Brad though was giving him water instead of his bottle. It only took once and he decided that he didn't want anymore. I would check with the Pediatrician though just to see if he has any ideas or concerns about letting her cry it out. And if you try this, you have to stick to it even though your heart will be breaking and you will want to go in a comfor her. You just have to make up your mind and do it. I can't think of anything else to try--she just has to learn how to sleep through the night. Good luck and I hope you can solve this problem soon. Love, kath
E.B. I agree with the others that she should cry it out. You can go in and make sure she is ok but not too often. It will be one of the hardest things you do. I know it was for me with Nicky. Fortunately with Emma she has not had a very hard time. She however at about 3 weeks cried every time we laid her down in her crib and I would put her in our bed with us as I was so tired and i stopped that real quick because I did the same thing with Nicky and he got in our bed for years. Emma was small enough that we swaddled her and then laid her down and she got over it real quick I believe by God's grace!
This to shall pass but it is one of those hard hurdles that we mothers must get over. Praying for you.
P.s. when you go in to check on her if she is crying I would not pick her up if at all possible. But I also will agree to check with the peds to make sure they don't have another idea.
Ginger
I will not leave any advice because I agree with the comments already left, but I will tell you that I am praying for you--for patience and determination and stability of emotion--especially in the wee hours of the morning. If you deal with this now that will be one less thing that you will not have to deal with as she gets more willful... We love you. And you tell that namesake of mine to give her Mommy a break! :)
Ok. well...of course you have no idea who I am...though I did leave a comment about a week or so ago. I found your websited, by accident....and I would have to say that somthing about it hooked me.
I am no parenting expert. I do have 4 children. Ages 10, 7, 5, and 2years. I am one of those "attatchment parents" with a more "loose view". First off I love Dr. Sears books on parenting. I appreciate his advice, most of it makes sense, and for our family, it has worked really well.
I nursed all my kids until 18 mos to 2 years. We succumbed to the "shared bed"...(I can hear the gasps....lol) But for our family it works. I do have to say, everyone now is in their own bed, though, sometimes we do get visitors :o) . My husband and I have a great realationship (probably because I have slept through most nights....lol), it hasn't impeded on our "romance". Now, my grandmother is appalled by this, and others have their advice as well. But for us it has worked.
Try reading these books...."The baby book:everything you need to know about your baby, birth to two years" and "The Attachment Parenting Book: A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby"
Both books are by Dr William Sears and his wife Martha Sears. He is a peditrcian and she is a nurse. They have like 8000 kids (just kidding, but they do have a lot)
Now, I don't agree with everything in these books. But they did give us a peace about our child rearing choices.
I believe that God will give you the peace to know what "school of thought" works for your family.
Best of wishes! Blessinga and Peace!
Amy
amy@faithumc.com
Please forgive any spelling or grammer errors....no spell check, really stinks....i reread after I posted and I saw some mistakes.....sorry!
Amy :o)
The so called family bed is commonly used outside the US and not unheard of here. I solves the issue of getting up in the middle of the night. It worked for my family with no negatives.
Consider the difference between "breaking" a horse, that breaking its will so it will submit to yours, and "gentling" a hourse, that is redirecting its will so it wants to do what you want. A broken horse will do what you want, but never do what it was made to do at its best. A gentled horse has not lost its natural character.
I think kids are similar. If you break the strong will in a child you lose a great character trait that if preserved and redirected can be a significant asset. Strong willed individuals can be a pain, but strong willed people also don't give up when things get difficult.
It seems to me that letting the baby cry until it gives up is one form of breaking its will. Alternatively, if the baby awakens, finds companions or what it needs near by, it feels secure and in my experience, generally goes back to sleep.
That's why the shared bed makes sense in some cases. I don't think that it constitutes rearranging your schedule to accommodate the child anymore than changing the diaper when its needed.
I haven't had a chance to read through the comments yet since I am at work (shh). I am not yet a mommy, but I have a very good friend who reccommends reading "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby" for help with the 'cry it out' method. Good luck. I know it hurts and I commend you for wanting to do what is best for your whole family.
My oh my, is there a future romance developing. Isaiah has been quite depressed since he hasn't been with his beloved Carolyn. He insisted that I send a "I miss you" to Carolyn. We had so much fun and I love looking at all of Carolyn's pic's. She is so cute!! The only advice that I have is, treasure each day, but you are already doing that. Your an awesome mom!
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